Recently I was given a gift, the gift of a proper tool for the cutting of food and intruders. Having grown accustomed to the $20 4-piece IKEA knife set that I've been using for two and a half years, using the Calphalon 8-Inch Chef's knife for the first time was like bringing a machine gun to the Alamo. It changed everything. I greedily hacked away at a cucumber, watching the green tuber become halved then quartered than eighthed then sixteenthed and thirtysecondthed and sixtyfourthed in the blink of an eye. Laughing maniacally, I wielded Maul's double-sided saber and tore through the padawan onion with gleeful malice. The tedious sawing and resetting of vegetables on the cutting board I had accepted as the norm was replaced by single swift strokes of a scythe forged at Thor's anvil. In using this instrument of culinary surgery I realized where Pheewrap has been getting his power from, why he always has so much left in the tank for the final stretch, and how I too can know stop using precious energy laboring over lengthy legumes.
An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age...