Today, we're reviewing 127 Hours, a movie I haven't seen.127 Hours is the new film by Danny Boyle, director of such masterpieces as Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire, and Sunshine. I haven't seen any of those movies.
So far as I can tell, 127 Hours is the story of a young hippie named James Franco who frolics off into the wilderness and then gets screwed by his own stupidity. Sounds kind of like this movie. What's that Emile Hirsch? You wandered off into the wilderness all alone with no survival skills and you died alone in a Alaska? What a fucking surprise. You cockmongering douchebag. What was the moral of that movie again? "People are what really matter"? Really? REALLY? Because I had thought it was all about superficial things like cars and money and meaningless sex. But oh, thank you, Sean Penn! If it wasn't for your pedagogy, there is no way I could have ever come to that deep realization. Fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you stuffed Emile Hirsch up the ass of and then rode into the Oscars. You even made Eddie Vedder seem shitty. How dare you? And if people are really what matter then why did you make this movie? Oh, right. Because Academy Awards and public praise are really what matter to you. Assfuck.
What?
Oh.
Right.
127 Hours.
I don't know. It has James Franco in it. I've heard it's really good actually. But I'm not going to see it. Because the only thing I ever want to watch James Franco in is this: