Whoop Knew?

So, I have a few thoughts…

Maybe it’s just me, but the way I see it, there is a way to act, and then there is a way to act in Church.

At first blush, you’d think the latter would carry a stricter set of behavioral guidelines than the former, but apparently, I have it bass-ackwards, AGAIN. This brings us to whooping. You’ve seen the clip. You know what it is. This is apparently an appropriate practice among religious leaders in certain pockets of certain faiths.

Let me challenge this thinking a bit. I believe that whooping is absolutely appropriate, but under a slightly different set of circumstances. Below please find my list of those situations in which whooping is called for:

1.) Anal rape. By a horse, or perhaps an enormous dog. And I mean enormous, kids. Don’t give me this “Labrador retriever” bullshit. Cujo big.

2.) Backing over your own infant in the driveway by accident.

3.) You are Justin Hawkins. It is 2004. You are in Wembley Arena.

4.) You are being subjected to The Blood Eagle.

5.) You are a record-store employee who has stumbled upon a murder scene just off the roadway and you are trying to run down and hail a state trooper in a final act of desperation as the victim slips away.

6.) You are Bruce Dickinson, anytime, anywhere.

7.) Powerball Strike. Like, Cujo Powerball.

8.) You are the BP oil well. You have just blown your junk shot. Truck tires, lengths of rope, and golf balls are surging from your cold and corroded orifice. This is your beautiful whalesong, the song at the bottom of the ocean.

9.) You are a TIE-Interceptor. With a shot muffler.

10.) You're salty as heyell!