Who the fuck is this guy?

Who are you and what are you doing in the Home Run Derby (sponsored by State Farm... like a good neighbor, State Farm is there)?

Remember when the home run derby was held as a battle between gargantuan men with huge heads and small testicles? Remember when they would hit 800 foot home runs and then tickle each others pee pees in the shower afterwards? Remember when grown men had backne and ass sex?

This is just chapter 52 in the book I like to call "why sports are better with steroids." Remember Shawne Merriman? He used to be good. He also used to be on steroids. Now? No steroids. And terrible.

He went from this:

To this:

I think that's David Arquette.

WHAT THE FUCK?

But I digress.

The guy at the top is Corey Hart. He's a pasty white guy in the home run derby. He kind of looks like me. In case you weren't aware, I'm not an attractive man. I look like a short, unathletic, more heavily bearded Corey Hart. But at least I'm not hitting in the home run derby. I know my place. My place is in the blogosphere, where I am mercifully hidden from judging eyes. This guy, Corey Hart, does not belong in the Home Run Derby. He probably doesn't even belong in the All Star Game. He looks less like a professional athlete and more like your pimply 12 year old cousin who fixes the DVD player when it won't work.

I didn't know who this guy was. My brother didn't know. So I "googled" him. And here is what the wikipedia search turned up this, and I quote:

Corey Hart may refer to:
Corey Hart (singer) (born 1962), Canadian musician
Corey Hart (baseball) (born 1982), American baseball player
Courtney Simpson, a pornographic actress under the stage name Cory Heart

The man is supposedly an all-star and yet he shares his wikipedia splash page with a singer from Canadia and a former pornstar who, according to her wikipedia page, "Courtney Simpson for her primary stage name based on her own first name, and the last name of singer Jessica Simpson.[2]"

Sigh.

What is the world coming to? I'm admittedly intruiged by what a pornstar named Barry Bonds would be like, but this must stop. Where have all the heros gone? We need to get our baseball players back on steroids, stat. I nominate Jason Giambi for the task. You think he LIKES being bad at baseball? Of course not. He liked it better when he was good. When he was full of the Clear and the Cream and all the other good things, no one cared that he was weird looking and nigh-retarded. He could hit a baseball 32 miles and that was all that mattered. And now look at him. That vacant stare. That slimmed down body. He's like a junkyard dog that slinks under the porch to die. Alone. In the Rocky Mountains.